Episode 6 - I Won't Date Men Who Are Allergic to Peanuts

The mating market is one of the only places where people encounter the brutal reality of nature.

Yeah. Well, things are still good 90% of the time. But if the things that are wrong, the 10% of the time is like something foundational, then we're in the fog of war to not be able to actually disentangle those things.

As founders, we are all delusional. We engaged in a high risk, high reward, but low average return. When you do that in relationships, you would just end up single.

Welcome back to Handsome Hour.

Welcome back to the Handsome Hour. We're supposed to introduce ourselves. I'm Wes.

I'm Cody. I'm Handsome Hour, toasty.

And I'm Stoney. Why are we toasty and oohing?

I'm trying to make that our slogan.

I'm toasty?

Oh, what? You don't you think it's not original enough?

Think that's just an awful slogan. I

don't really have All right.

Fine. Fine. Handsome Hour. Eat fresh.

Eat fresh. Handsome Hour. We were talking about character arcs. And someone who had an amazing character arc is a certain man who came into our lives wearing a pair of pants much too big for him. He could stand in one pant leg of his pants and we thought that he was just an innocent man who had lost lots of weight.

Is this Darth Vader? It's Jared from Subway, who's very similar, you know? Came into our life as a small person, left as a pedophile.

Is that what happened? Gave up. Am I am I not on this? Wait, did he?

Jared from Subway?

Yes. I have convicted of the pedophile.

Have you not seen any mainstream comedy for I thought this was trite, what I was saying.

I don't follow Subway influencers. Okay. I guess my dad owned

a Subway franchise.

Yeah. Really?

Yeah. He he didn't make much money

on it. So Jared had a meteoric rise while he shrank, and then Yes. He

wow. He got thin by eating only Subway sandwiches.

That that I remember.

And get this, he was eating at a caloric deficit and also exercising a lot.

Shocking. So he followed the advice of of of gurus.

Yes. Which you could do with at at at any restaurant.

Alright. Do we have something dating related to talk about?

Yeah. We do. But much like Darth Vader, he gave it all up for a small boy. We're also just talking about no, okay, yeah, we have some we're here at the Handsome Hour again. We were talking about breakups, but we have some discourse to get into here.

I did find this one.

There's a lot of boxes that need to be ticked. I know this man is out there. Mhmm. It's just a matter of finding him. 7 figure salary.

Right. Already said morning routine. Yes. That includes some sort of exercise Mhmm. With group accountability Mhmm.

As well as some sort of very high nutrition, I'm gonna say smoothie.

But you can't see that the matchmaker is silently nodding grimacing. I

feel like that's generous. I need him to be obviously in very good shape.

I'm kind of amazed that she said that. Me too.

I need him to have

You're the

right full head of hair. Mhmm. That's very important to me. I understand. Okay.

Be a Christian but not take it too seriously. Like, I don't wanna have to go to church every Sunday. Mhmm. But I also want I don't wanna get into fights over religion either. Sure.

Of course. I want his him to have an impeccable wardrobe. I want his suits to be tailored. I want him to look good in greens and blues because those are complementary to what I look good in.

Can I see her? Absolutely no tattoos. Out of town.

Absolutely no She's a whore.

Unless the only tattoo that would be acceptable would be a very small tattoo if he were in a secret society at an Ivy League university. This is a get a tattoo that, I wouldn't get a tattoo. Make a

pass a bit.

Make a

pass for him.

Let let it keep going now.

He was forced.

How how

much more is it? To be from a good family, I'll know that what that means when I see it or what more more will said, I'll know what wouldn't satisfy that criteria when I see it. Okay. Urban married. No kids.

I wanna be his first wife. Our children are gonna be his only children.

Mhmm.

No allergies. Past like animals. I would prefer that he's a cat person, but if he's a dog person, that's okay.

That's the end. It's cutting back and forth between the person who's recording this, and she's doing her best job. She's doing a great job keeping her face straight, but you can tell that she's thinking, oh, boy. Yeah. You know?

I love the mhmm.

But that's not that is not a sincere video.

I think there's a possibility that is a sincere video. Or they found a matchmaker to do an amazing job playing the the disbelieving I mean, I know we're all actors. There's a lot of actors out there, but

What is the offered context of the video? Is that a private call with a matchmaker it's supposed to be?

Yes. And you're you're making a good point that they probably wouldn't share that. Right. Not without ruining their career.

But I can tell you that, like, it's not far off. It's not as farcical.

Yeah. It's like Like professional matchmakers, we can say. This is a real person.

It's like that's actually like, there is someone who would say that non ironically.

So then then I guess maybe a broad question is how many people are not just trying to punch above their weights, but are demanding several how many people are demanding something that's unrealistic?

A There

are no less than three problems with that video. Problem one, the how specific she is. Problem number two, how many criteria she has. Like, how specific the criteria, how many there are. And problem number three, the type of criteria.

Right?

So it's like Undiscoverable criteria. Like tattoos and dog person and allergies.

You that's so discoverable, and also just the wrong things to get What the fuck does it matter if your man has allergies? Right? It's just all just like it's very shallow.

I'm a perfect guy, but I can't eat peanuts. Are you gonna really disqualify your five foot ten, seven figure Christian, but not two Christian, animal loving spouse because he has a peanut allergy?

Right.

Yeah. I'll say this. If she's sitting there and she's saying those things with the idea that this is the minimum criteria for the man I need to be with, this is who I need to be with, and yeah, obviously she's delusional. She's setting herself up for failure, and she's like, you know, complete idiot. If she's doing an exercise of like, okay, describe your ideal man, like then it is okay.

Like it's not there's nothing wrong with being like what like if I'm building the perfect there's a thought exercise being like if I'm building the perfect person, like, you know, defining like, you know, one millimeter, one square millimeter on the map of the earth, and then being acceptable as long as the missile hits within anywhere within one mile. Right? But No, I agree.

I think there's nothing wrong with you, the exercise of describing of trying to describe a person, perfect person in ideals. I don't think that's what she was doing.

Yeah. If that's not what she was doing, then

But but I I would still have a problem with the what she identified. Like, that's your ideal. She's just focusing on things that are superficial and don't matter.

Yeah.

You know? Yeah. It's like Yeah. It's just a revealing of a person who has not done a lot of inner work, right? She just

I mean, maybe some of them are proxies for things. Like, okay, comes from a good family, that probably just means that he's trustworthy and has good morals, right?

That's fine, yeah, sure.

Or like has tailored suits. Like, first of if he's making 70

pages in blue and green because that complimentary to my it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my entire life,

Yes, but you've talked to a woman before. Like, that's not I don't that part did not I I get it. I get that part. Right?

I would yeah. All women should be different.

They just want to wear dresses, dude.

They just

want to Change. Yeah. They want to wear dresses and have shit on

the shelves. Well, maybe for the listeners, how do you do a quick self test that you're delusional? And I think to identify nondilusion, and you guys feel free to correct me, nondilusion in my mind is when I look back over my life and I say, You know what? Those were good relationships that I had, and they didn't work out for whatever reason. But if I could find someone like that again where it did work out, then I would be a happy man.

That should be the show. We should have people send us videos of themselves describing what they're looking for. We should have them we should have them define their ideal, and we should have them define the minimum of what they're willing to accept, and then we just give them the feedback. We have to see them on videos. This is very important.

We give them the feedback of whether it's realistic or not. But anyway.

I would like that. Kind of it almost reminds me of Drunk Rate My Website.

Yeah. Was that a was that a Usenet group?

No. No. That that was that was a guy who had a business where he would get really drunk and review your website while drunk.

Okay.

And it took off for a little while. Nice.

Nice. Sorry. What was the question you'd asked previously?

Self test.

How would someone do a quick self test of whether they're delusional or not? And I think for me, for women, this will be different. Because women will say, oh, I slept with this, you know, six foot five finance bro, so therefore I can get that. Well, he didn't try to propose to you. He didn't say, I want to have a serious relationship with you.

Let's give it a shot, and then it didn't work out. So I think for women, they have to ask themselves, of all the guys who have attempted to enter a long term monogamous relationship with me, not of all the guys who have had their fun with me. With guys, I think it's a bit different to an extent. But yet you have to look back on what was the best minimum, say, three month monogamous relationship I had. And that's probably as good as you're going to do.

And even if that was ten, twenty years ago, not even that good. That to me is a standard of realistic.

I don't disagree with that.

Well, your standard of realistic is the best that you've had so far. That's a pretty good Isn't it? Proxy. What's the thing where you're supposed to date 37% of people, and then the next one you find that meets the best one? What's that?

We talked about that, the kind of the Feynman restaurant challenge, but it's it's it's a decent it's a decent proxy.

It at least gives you a sense of, like, yeah, what is theoretically the upper limit of what is possible for you. Like, you're probably not gonna find somebody who's twice as good as the best person you ever take. Right? Yeah. That's like

your point.

True. Okay.

Yeah. I roughly agree with that. Also, like, you know, if you just not even people that you've been with, if you just look at, like, just all the people you've ever met, how many people meet all those criteria? Like, she's probably never met a man.

Ah, yes. But now you're asking someone to do math and statistics, which might not be her strong point. And then you're also challenging around the idea of deserved. That was an interesting something I read maybe on X, where it said people are just focusing on what they deserve, which is there's no upper limit on what you think you can deserve. There's no upper limit on what you believe you deserve.

Well, you don't deserve anything. You don't deserve oxygen. You don't deserve an atmosphere on the planet. You don't I hate that idea.

Yeah. It's just a non starter concept. Just like, Okay.

If everyone demands what they deserve and that isn't around to produce it, then you're just gonna get a lot of angry people. What you need to do is people focusing on what they can produce, what they can earn, what they can manifest. But deserving? Man.

Deserve? I don't like the word deserve. I agree with you. I don't hate the concept. Like, I think that there is a reasonable point of view that says, like, if you work really hard and you work on yourself and you, like, generally, like, do commit to becoming a great person and you and you follow through with it, then, like, you should expect better than before, but you still don't

It's just not an actual at all. Right?

It's not a productive mindset.

It's a totally theoretical concept that can never be

Right.

Like, actually actioned, you know, instantiated in any meaningful way in the world.

The gazelle does not, quote, deserve to be eaten by the lion, but it's not gonna change anything. Right. You know, the gazelle's still gonna get eaten. And if we all sit around saying, I don't deserve that, that was a line from Unforgiven at the end. He goes, I don't deserve this.

And and Clint Eastwood characters say, deserved got nothing to do with this.

Unforgiven. Oh, okay.

Brutal, brutal film, but man

I was thinking of Unforgivable. You know, it's like a video of a black guy in the woods and he's like, I want a I want a chicken sandwich with some waffle fries. Do know what that is?

I do not, but those un Unforgivable are are about as far away as as humanly possible. It was

like one of the oh, yeah. It was like one of the original viral videos in, like, 2006 or something. Oh, boy. You remember this? Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry.

Considering I didn't even know about Jared's ill fated, you know, secondary fame, I definitely don't know about this ill fated video.

I would say the default is most people are a little delusional. That's probably so if you're not sure, you're probably a little delusional.

You should be a little bit delusional. Generally, I think in life, you shouldn't be delusional to the point where you completely exclude

You should be optimistic, but not delusional.

So the challenge is, as founders, we are all delusional, because we all embarked on something that if we actually thought about it, we would know that the failure rate was over eighty percent. And we still did it anyway. We engaged in a high risk, high reward, but low average return. The challenge is when you do that in relationships, you just end up single.

I wouldn't articulate it quite like that because we knew what we were getting into. Delusional is when you don't know, Right? If you know that we're taking a

Oh, I was delusional.

Oh, were you?

Yeah. I think you have to be. If you really knew what was involved, if you really knew how many late nights, if you really knew the struggles, would you have happily signed up for that? I mean, I would never want one of those I've never really sat back and said, you know, I wish I had taken the stable route because it's not in my personality. But I think I would advise most people to take the stable route.

Sure, yeah. Most people are not your personality, and most people should, for sure. You might not have known every specific, but I don't think, correct me if I'm wrong, if you really think you're You knew that it was a risky proposition. You knew that most fail, and you're taking a bet that you think you can get a different outcome than most people. And you maybe have evidence to believe that, which is that you're a different type of person.

You're an outlier, at least in some ways.

I'm also just unemployable.

Sure. Yeah. So look, I mean, again, it's kind of the same thing I've said before, think, us, for the listener, potentially weeks ago.

Nothing wrong with repeating yourself. It helps to have a theme.

Yeah, which is just that know what you're getting yourself into. Look, if you wanna take the high risk, high reward route, you wanna try to hold out for this incredible, super high mate value partner that is and you know that they are probably way outside your league, and your chances of being able to get them is very low, then like, you know, okay, but

Is that what's happening? Or are people

That's my point.

Assessing themselves incorrectly?

That's my point. I don't think people are making that decision with full knowledge.

Everyone thinks they're so special, and they have this rich inner world that is just like, you know, needs to be shared with other people. And they're like, oh, I'm so funny, and I'm so interesting. And by merit of me being these things, I deserve the entire world to

be here. So much of our world is fake, and the mating market is one of the only places where people encounter brutal the brutal reality of nature.

Yeah. You are not that interesting. But you also don't want that. You want I mean, I think this is well covered territory on the podcast, honestly, but like, you don't want that that girl doesn't want that man. If that girl finds the man she's describing, and I know you didn't see her on video, you can go look up the video, that man will cheat on her immediately.

Like, there's no like, that's you need someone who's going to like feel committed and wanna stay with you.

Well, that's part of the fantasy. That's just another checklist item that she didn't list, which is super loyal to me.

Yes. Yes. But it's like now getting into the land of just complete contradictions, where it's like now there are items on the list that cannot coexist with one another. Right? Like there's nothing on her list that inherently is contradictory to anything else on the list.

But when you add is going to be fearless, like faith faithfully loyal to me, what is

That's not true. There are loyal people.

No. No. There are loyal people. What I'm saying is that like

Well, you're you're saying that the disparity if if a four is dating a 10, then the likelihood of that 10 cheating is that much higher. And the other situation it creates is if the 10 cheats and the four says, oh, boy, I didn't like that, but I'm never going be able to find a 10 again, Wes is Wes is not crazy.

It's not about it's not I mean, it's not to say that like It's just

one more checklist item. I just don't think it's a special one.

No, it is a special one. Because a four doesn't date a 10 in the first place. There's a reason a four doesn't date a 10 in the It first happens.

It's just very rare.

Okay. And it's less when it does happen, it is less sustainable than a normal actual,

Sure. But it's fair like any other filter. Like, there relationships that have gotten the distance between a 10 and a four? Yes. They're exceedingly rare, but it has happened.

So, yeah, it's another filter that makes the thing that she's looking for even rarer, for sure. But I also don't think it's a special filter.

Okay. For sure.

No, I'm gonna say that when you set up a relationship and balance like that, it causes massive downstream effects. And maybe you could argue that Wes is over focusing on monogamy and fidelity in that situation. But anytime a relationship has these wide known obvious disparities, it's not always a good thing unless the relationship is structured around those disparities.

Sure. What would that look like?

So we see this all the time where you have micro disparities, say, around wealth and attraction. And sure, this is cliched and stereotyped, but it's cliched because it happens. You get an amazing, beautiful woman with an amazing, wealthy guy. But again, there, you're still like for like in the of The

overall mate value is still match.

Yeah. The overall mate value is match. But when you move too too much when you move too far away with that, it it's problematic, or it has to be structured into the relationship.

And I think what you mean when you say structured in relationship is you could imagine I don't know how much this actually I would actually be interested to see data on this, because I've heard it hypothesized. I don't actually know the research on this, but you could hypothetically imagine a relationship where one person does have higher mate value than the other. There is a disparity, but it is made up in other aspects of the relationship. Like, for example, the man is higher mate value, or just as an example, the man is higher mate value, but the woman does way more work.

Or the woman brings more energy to the relationship.

Right. So

it's like that's they're bringing something what I mean by structured into it. I'm thinking of this is decades ago, but I was helping this couple with their computer, and I found out later, because the relationship dynamics were a little bit noticeable to me, I found out that this person was the former secretary of the guy years ago, and they just he had just married a secretary, and that boss employee aspect of their relationship had never entirely left.

Sure. That must be nice.

Can you imagine? The Don Draper approach.

Not for me.

I mean, it's not for me either, but but damn when it should be that way and they refuse to let it be.

Is there anything more to say on just being delusional? Yeah. Try not to be delusional. You probably are a little bit. Be optimistic, but you gotta know you're you have a everybody has a league.

You have a league. You have a may value. You're probably gonna be able to get somebody within your league. It's gonna be extraordinarily difficult, if not impossible, to get somebody out of your league. Deserving has nothing to do with it.

It's just the brutal economics of nature. And if you think otherwise, you will be left very unhappy, almost certainly.

Yeah. Well, I think that if we wanna if we wanna play, I mean, we can do this or we cannot. But just to play with the concept of delusion a little bit, like there's there's there's two other types of delusions in a relationship that are are important and can be unhealthy. The first one is like diluting sometimes you have to be a little bit like you have to drink the Kool Aid a little bit about the relationship. Right?

Like, you have to there is like a you know, you might not literally be optimizing in terms of the entire population of planet Earth. Right? Like but you do your relationship is going to be happier if you can make yourself truly believe that you are meant to be with the person that you are with.

This is the song. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

Yes. And it's it's like, yes, you need to be able to like not like, delusion's the wrong word because, like, hopefully, it should be like a willful suspension of disbelief that is like very pleasurable and enjoyable for you, and not literally like unhealthy delusion. But like there is this this it is a suspension of disbelief a little bit. It's like believing that like this is this is it forever. Right?

Like you're going to be much happier if you're able to create that sense in the relationship. Relationship.

You don't have to believe it, you just have to choose it. Like it's not a magic thing. You just wake up and you go, I am going to commit to this person and work really hard to do everything that's necessary to it work.

Yes. And but but the thing is that, like, I'm actually really glad you said that is because I think that there is a point at which you because I went I went through a breakup recently. Okay. So I think that there is a point at which that is not sustainable because you cannot actually like, there is some whatever, like, homunculus or whatever. Like, you you you don't actually feel it.

Right? And I and you reach a point in some relationships where and that's this was the other thing I was going to say was where you were diluting yourself in the other direction because, like, the fringe benefits or the emotional not baggage, but, like, the the emotional comfort and all the other things you get out of a relationship, the sense of caring for someone. It could be it depends on who you are. Could be a lot of different things. You you can delude yourself into thinking that you can make something work because of all of these things that are not the core of are we compatible, and you can actually sustain that for a very long time when you should be gone.

Right? And and that is the other type of delusion that's bad. Like, at at a certain point, like, you do need to be able to look at the relationship and say, like, this is not the best this is not the optimal thing for either of us, and we're staying here for the wrong reasons.

I think it is interesting. What Wes is saying is that, sure, don't forget that the flip side of this is overinvesting in something without analyzing it thoroughly. So you can be delusional and you can ask for too much. You can also be delusional and you can ask for too little or not check the foundations. You know, is your we'll use an analogy, is your house flawed because you don't like the kitchen layout?

Or is your house flawed because termites have eaten away at the foundation?

Yeah. I don't know if we're way too off the rails here, but I always get a little bit, like I always disengage a little bit when we start to talk about, like like, I deserve or I I should have more or something. Because that's actually sort of the opposite problem I always have in relationships. It's not like thinking that I should have more, but it's like thinking that I am wrong to ask for more because, like, I think, like, maybe I don't wanna, like, make this, like, about me, but, like, I, like, have a little bit of, like, a savior thing where it's like I've I reach a point in relationships where like I feel like I'm doing it for the other person. And it's like I'm with you because maybe like you need someone like me.

It's a little bit narcissistic. But it's like I'm with you because I think that you need this and I think this is good for you and I want to make you happy and I'm going to do that like at my own detriment, which to me the cost is being in a relationship that I don't fully want to be in. And the the way I delude myself is thinking that you can have a relationship on that basis at all, where actually there's harm being done to both people. Because like, I deserve to be with someone who I completely wanna be with. You deserve to be with someone who wants to completely be with you.

Right? And it's like seeing that other side of it, like failing to see the other side of it, at least for me personally, is the delusion. Now I get that's what the point I'm making is very specific to me, but it's just something that's been on my mind. And like there are similar ways that we all delude ourselves, like, in in a relationship that you're already in that maybe you shouldn't be in. I I don't think there's much

to say. Cody, what do you think about that? I guess you're just messed up. That's that's our conclusion is that you're you're irreparably damaged beyond repair,

if that's

what you're saying, just to be clear.

My problem is, see, this this is the the position I love to be in. My problem is that I'm too good of a guy. My my problem is that

I'm too humble. I I have all these wonderful traits and I'm just too humble.

Yeah. Snoop Dogg said, we don't love these hoes. Like, that's my my I'm loving the hoes. That's my problem.

I didn't expect Snoop Dogg to enter this conversation, but there we go.

I don't know if I followed every part of what you said. Like, you're saying that you just have to be careful about this tendency in yourself that you want to sort of are you in the relationship for the right reason? Or is it just that you want to take care of this lost puppy versus

I think that's an extension of people pleasing. Would that be a fair statement?

No. Because I definitely don't do people pleasing. I should do more of it. But so I I I think that I I like, again, I don't wanna make this about me.

No. I think you can.

I'm what I'm describing is a very talk about ourselves. Right. What I'm describing is like a very particular instance of something that I think a lot of people do. So in my particular instance, and you've this has been in more than one relationship in the past, not every relationship I've had. But in more than one relationship, I found myself in a relationship where I cared deeply for the other person.

I definitely loved them. However, there were fundamental incompatibilities that I should recognize as someone who does this professionally, and I was willing to ignore them in my relationships because I thought I care so much about this person, and I so badly want them to be happy, and for them to feel taken care of, and I don't know if they'll be able to get that out there on their own. So now I now my the thing that's giving me a sense of purpose is being able to provide this to this person.

Yeah.

And that is that is what I am getting from it. Right? Yeah. And so I'm going to because I'm really good at swallowing shit and like and like just ignoring things that are like bothering me and like putting I'm putting up with bullshit. Like I'm really good at that.

So I'm like, that is the burden that I will carry is like being in this relationship where like I'm always sort of like thinking maybe, you know, maybe this isn't the best thing me personally. Right. Because I think that you I want you to be taken care of. Right?

Right.

And that is the delusion. Can I

ask you kind of a personal question?

Well, just quickly, yes, you can. But because not only is that doing harm to you, it's actually doing harm to the other person. And you actually are not like, you know, you're not that special.

How much is this is kind of a douchey question. But how much is that a story that you're telling yourself? That you're getting a sense of purpose out of taking care of them, when really it's just that you don't want to have to be alone?

That is a

So it's like it feels kind of it feel it's like you're admitting a false flaw

So, no. To cover up the real I took after my most recent breakup, which wasn't extremely recent, but it was, you know, some time ago. I don't you know, if you're if you're following these episodes canonically, might be confusing because we do tape them far apart. So if you're like, you said on the last episode, it's like, just ignore that.

Fuck you, guy.

Yeah. No. Well, okay. So, yes. Definitely, part of it is that, like, telling myself a story.

But I will say that, like, I took inventory of, like, this relationship and I, wrote it all out on paper, and those were separate bullets. It's like, in the I was like, why do I want why am I staying? It was like bullet one was like, I don't wanna be alone. Bullet two was this other thing, and it's like, sure, like you can never disentangle like your emotions and actually say what percent Fair enough. Attributable to this and what percent is attributable to that.

Yeah. But like, we are talking about this is a conversation about self delusion and sort of the point I am I am making Yeah. Is that like that narrative you give yourself is a it can be a self delusion.

Sure.

And for you, it might not be that it's probably not that specific narrative, right? Like, it's like a they have a savior complex, or it's like something that maybe like I am exhibiting here.

I don't even know if I would call I mean, to quibble. I don't even know if I would call that delusion, though, because it sounds like you're aware like, it is kind of a conscious, maybe for some people it's more unconscious. But it sounded like it was kind of a conscious choice to sort of ignore the problems of the relationship. Or not even ignore them, just to deal with them. Because there's always gonna be, and maybe that's the meta question here, is there's always gonna be problems in every relationship.

And obviously, the sort of perennial question that everybody always struggles with is like, okay, well, when is it too much? When do you say I'm just gonna deal with these forever and accept it, and that's gonna be part of my cross to bear, versus like, it's too much, there's too many problems, and I need to get out of this relationship?

Right.

Right? I mean, that's

Well, that's sort of the it's like a categorization issue is what makes it so difficult is because, like you said, every relationship's going to have problems and you will if there will be foundational incompatibilities in a relationship that are just like setting it up for complete failure and like probably like, you know, you're probably struggling to hold everything together every single day with it, and what you'll tell yourself in that situation is, well, things are still good 90% of the time. But if the things that are wrong the 10% of the time is like something foundational, then it's really easy to like, when you're in the heat, you know, when you're in the fog of war, to not be able to actually disentangle those things. And you can and I'm just the only reason it seems like a profound point to me right now is that like I just went through it in such an extreme way for such a long time and was able to convince myself. And then you just like once you rip it off and the house falls apart, then you're like, that was a shit. I built that house out of bubble gum.

Yeah. So one of the things I think about is that foundational issue, is it going to get better or worse over time? Is it going to be more impactful or less impactful over time? To be, like, tautological, but, like, I

think that if something is a foundational issue, by definition, it gets worse over time.

So the one I'm specifically thinking about is religion. And if the person you're lightly dating is of a different religion, it's totally immaterial. If the person you're having kids with is of a different religion, it is the opposite of immaterial. And I think religion and things like that are things that expose themselves as the decades go by and get more severe. And then there is no compromise in things like religion.

You know? And when I say compromise, there's no half mixed religion.

Are you dating a Christian girl?

I'm not dating anyone right now, but I have dated someone of a different religion, and it started out not being an issue. And then all of a sudden, you're talking about kids, and someone's talking about religious schools. You're like, wait a second. I don't know if I signed up for that. But they're not being unrealistic.

They're following the culture and guidelines they came from. How can you blame them for that? But if you don't want your kids and your life wrapped up around a religious school of a different religion than the one you were raised

Was it like what was it she

She was Jewish.

She was I thought you were Jewish. No. I thought Stoney was short for Steinberg.

That is that is not correct. Stoney is short for a stonier. That's on my I driver's

see. Okay.

Which is old English. We made tombstones and stone walls. They I didn't know they had Jewish schools. Yes. You may Steinberg's not get the the

last name. Stoney is a first name. Oh, sorry. I thought you were a Steinberg Golden Jew.

So she wanted them to

go to a Jewish school. It was to Harvard? Jewish day school.

Oh, okay. Sorry.

A grade school.

Okay. Grade school. I don't know, though. Like

Also, fundamental can be Yeah,

these are apps.

Sorry. Unchangeable. You know, religion yeah, is we do. Religion is unchangeable. Diet is potentially changeable.

I I do have a lot more to say, I'm guessing you guys probably do. I think probably we could do many more episodes on this, this sort of knowing, like, when you're with the right person and and not

Knowing to hold them, knowing to fold them.

Yeah. And also, how do you determine this more quickly? How do you reduce your search cost? How do you go into a relationship knowing that the fundamentals are largely taken care of, but not sounding like someone who takes out on the first day, takes out a checklist and says, Let me just ask you the 10 fundamental questions here, because that's more important than getting to know you. That is a very difficult balance.

For sure. All right.

Great episode, guys. Stoney, verdict,

not Jewish. That is a

good one.

Not that there was a

Not that there's anything wrong. Nothing matters either way. It's totally fine.

Just yeah. Congratulations. Yes. Well done.